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i used to be cool... [11 Aug 2007|12:18am]
[ mood | awake ]

I used to be cool...now i'm sober.  Nah, I'm just kidding.  But that is how I sometimes feel.  I guess I've been drinking and drugging for so long and now that I'm not, I don't know what to do with myself.  I was "the life of the party" so to say.  And now I'm trying to rediscover myself without all the drugs and alcohol.  I've been sober for 7 months now.  I think it will take me a little longer than that to find myself again.  I have good days and bad days.  I'm reading constantly for something to do.  I've started scrapbooking.  What I would really like to do is start painting again.  I haven't painted in years.  And it felt so natural to me, the brush to canvas, the way the paint flows from tip to handle.  Blending colors...I need to get back to that.  Find my niche and go with it.  Lots of my painting before was done "under the influence", drinking a six pack while I was finishing up an assignment.  Yeah, well...now I guess I'll try it on the wagon..

sock it to me

go to jail...do not pass go, do not collect $200 [02 Aug 2007|09:03pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Wow, today sucked.  I went to jail.  And to Birmingham City Jail no less.  Last week I called down there to see if I had any warrants on my record and I did (which I already knew).  I asked them how I could take care of them so the lady on the phone tells me that they are 2 $500 cash bonds and that they were from 2004-one for tag expiration and the other for driving while suspended.  She tells me that all I need to do is bring $1000 cash and there will be paperwork and they'll give me a court date.  So I consult an attorney and he basically says the same thing, should be in and out.  So I go down there and they tell me that I may have to wait a couple of hours back in booking, that they're backed up a little.  A little meant a lot.  And she didn't tell me I had to dress out.  They put me in a holding cell and I waited for like 6 hours.  But finally they came and got me and booked me in.  It pissed me off the way they all lied to me.  But what are you going to do?  I just won't get myself in that position again.  I have a return court date on the 28th and that is the same day that we have a custody hearing for my daughter Marlee.  Jason and I discussed keeping the custody temporary until he gets out of Bibb County.  His cousin and her husband petitioned back in March and this court date coming up would give them sole custody of her.  But we want her back.  Boy do we!  She is awesome.  So maybe it will all work out so that we won't have to go through this all over again.  I am so tired of court and jail and bonds and prison.  I just want to live my life!  I have faith in God that all will turn out just the way it's supposed to.  I've been sober now for almost 7 months and have passed all my drug tests.  Finished all my classes.  I'm trying so hard because I want what's best for our daughter.  And that is to be back home with her mommy and daddy.  Who made her out of love...

sock it to me

[31 Jul 2007|07:59pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I've been gone for a while but I think I may start writing some more.  A lot-and I mean A LOT-has happened in the year and a half since I've last written.  I look back and it almost feels like someone else's life.  My daughter is not home with us right now.  She's staying with family for a little bit while my husband, Jason, and I get through the legal system.  It seems that once you're in the system, you ARE IN THE SYSTEM.  I'm freaked out driving down the road, afraid a cop is going to pull up behind me and run my tag and tow the car away.   My license is revoked now after a 3rd DUI (you'd think I would have learned my lesson after the 2nd) and my husband is in prison at the moment.  We are all spread around willy nilly.  Me here, Jason there, and Marlee way over there (she's staying 2 hours away).  My father-in-law passed away suddenly in February from a heart attack (while Jason was in jail) and I honestly can't imagine a world without him.  He was like my father and it's just been a hard year.  But yeah, I just have to take one day at a time.  Otherwise I feel as though I may go insane... 

sock it to me

[27 Feb 2006|01:37am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I've been doing hardly anything these last few months. I took time off of work for Marlee and I can't believe she'll be 3 months old in a couple of weeks. Blows my mind. She's over 11 lbs now and is smiling and blowing bubbles and is the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on. I was someone who didn't want children more because I took care of my mom and sister for so long that I just wanted ME time. But I wouldn't give up motherhood for the world.
So this week is like my major week to start up again out in the world. Up till now I've just been mostly home and taking care of the house and of course Marlee. But I'm starting back to work this week and am a bit nervous for some reason. Kind of like the first day of school kind of nervous. It's been so long since I've stopped in and seen people. I know there will be a lot of new people. I don't know. I think it's more of having to switch modes from "goo goo" and "ga ga" to actually having adult conversations. It'll be fine. I guess I'm just making more of it than there really is. I also have to go to court for a DUI I got on the fourth of July. Stupid. This time my license will be taken away for a year. My lawyer has put it off till now but I guess I'll find out what's going to happen tomorrow. Hope all goes well.
Well, that's enough for now...I'm sleepy...

sock it to me

[29 Oct 2005|11:16pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

Just another lazy day. It's nice being lazy for a change. Actually, I was always a bit lazy on my off days from work but now it's a little more leisurely. Like I don't feel like I have to do something on my off days. This week, we're hoping to do a little baby shopping for stuff like a crib and car seat. How exciting! Yeah I'm a new mom. Anyway, I'm just waiting now for Jason to get off work so I can go get him. I'm so happy to be married to him now. We've been through so much. More than a lot of people have in a couple years. Before my mom died, she was like "You guys are like 2 storms colliding-cool it!" I see what she meant be that. We went through a drug phase. That's been over for more than a year now. The drinking remained-many heated arguments, but we're to a point of loving each other beyond all that and realizing that we are in love still and love each other and like each other. That's awesome.

sock it to me

[26 Oct 2005|11:04pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Ah, I'm a little overwhelmed lately. Finding out I'm pregnant 2 months before I'm supposed to be due isn't much notice. Sounds crazy yeah but I guess since I'm not regular it wasn't really weird until I started sportin a little belly. And I'm not a petite girl anyway, so I didn't show much. NOW I'm showing just within the last month or so. But we're ecstatic about her arrival. Naming her Marlee Renee and I'm hoping she'll be the picture of health. My first doctor appointment they told me she weighed 4.2 pounds and that's at the beginning of 8 months. My best friend had a baby a year and half ago and he weighed 4.3 full term. So I think she'll be ok. My worries have begun. Trying to remember all the times I drank and smoking. I've quit that although I've had one here or there. I know that's bad. It's hard to quit when you've been smoking for almost 11 years. Can't believe how long that is. Yuck. But yeah still nervous. About everything.

sock it to me

[19 Oct 2005|06:30pm]
[ mood | overwhelmed ]

I haven't written anything in forever. Haven't had internet for a while. But that commercial for some insurance-"Life comes at you fast"-well, that has certainly true. I got engaged in September and I got married today and I'm due to have a little girl on November 30. Yikes! And I don't have anything ready! And we're planning on moving. And that's about the gist of it.

sock it to me

[19 Aug 2004|01:02am]
[ mood | okay ]

So here was another day. Without a car, no money, no phone...how pathetic! HA! I did keep busy though. Jason's dad stopped by a few times. Bought me some cigarettes. Let me know how everything was going. Looks like either we have to pay $400 to get Jason out or let him do 45 days. Thing is, if we did pay, he couldn't go anywhere-he'd be held for another county. This is a nightmare. But I do get to see him tomorrow morning! I haven't talked to him in a couple days. I miss him so much. I miss him sleeping next to me and just him being there.
So I changed around a few cabinets in my kitchen to make it more efficient. Pulled some weeds and old leaves up. Then I wrote Emmy a letter. And painted these wooden letters (her name) in pink since last time I knew, she was going through a pink phase. Wanted to do her room in pink and such. I'll finish with an enamel coating tomorrow.
I've also watched a few movies from On Demand Cable. Seriously heavy ones-"Monster" and "Elephant"-and cute romantic-"Along Came Polly" and "Something's Gotta Give". Gotta do something at night besides pine away and be all lonely. But now I'm going to sleep cuz I'm gonna go see my man tomorrow...
Nite all....

1 satisfaction| sock it to me

[18 Aug 2004|02:13am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I just realized that this is the first time in my life I have been completely alone. There have been times but my mom was always here, then when she died, Emily was still here. Then Jason moved in. And now they're all gone. Just gone. I don't know how long Jason will be in jail. I don't know how I feel about this. It feels weird...

sock it to me

[18 Aug 2004|02:07am]
[ mood | lonely ]

ok so I haven't written in a while. So much has happened. My mom passed away in March. Emily moved to Wisconsin. My family thinks I'm an alcoholic. And Jason got arrested last night. Has it really been that long? Wow. But yeah, I'm back.

sock it to me

phew!! [06 Mar 2004|03:44pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

These last few days have been a true test to Jason and my relationship. Bad shit happened and we've made it through. And I feel sooo relieved. I figure if this didn't kill our relationship, not much can....I'll be writing a much more detailed entry later when I'm done cleaning...

1 satisfaction| sock it to me

ah me so horny, me love you long time [29 Feb 2004|01:00am]
[ mood | horny ]

I have one more thing to say tonight before I go to bed...I'm horny...Oh so horny. And I'm too tired to do anything about it. That's a little sad....Especially after the other morning when Jason stayed over night here and we ended up doing it 4 times within like 3 hours. And I thought I was tired then...but I guess I can get up for that anytime....
But now I truly am tired and can not wait for my head to hit the pillow...

sock it to me

brand new edition... [29 Feb 2004|12:38am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Tonight I went and saw Matt and Chelsea's new son. Oh my God! He is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen! He was sooo tiny but he was just precious. As soon as they handed him to me, I started crying. I couldn't believe he was one of my best friends babies. And then Chelsea started tearing up. I felt kind of stupid. But it was just a great moment. So I just sat in their rocking chair and watched him...he didn't do much but it didn't matter. Every little movement and expression left me enthralled. A little miracle in my arms...
After a while they gave him a bath and he woke up like "What the hell? I'm sleeping here! Leave me alone!". And then they let me feed him. It was just great. Jason couldn't make it cuz we ended up staying up all night again and then he had to work. So he was sleeping. But he really wants to see him. He was all like "I love babies!" the other night. Hmmm. That's good. Every once in a while he pat my belly and go "Is our baby in there?" I'm like "Uh I hope not!" I'm not ready, and I know he's not but I guess when you love someone so much, the thought of sharing a child does enter your mind at times...
So now I'm home...on the way home I stopped and rented movies and picked up some Taco Bell for Jason. Sat with him for a while, while he ate. I'm sooo ready for bed. I need a good nights sleep like I need oxygen. And Emily is spending the night out tonight so I won't have to worry about waking up early in the morning. So g'night all...

2 satisfactions| sock it to me

what happens from here? [26 Feb 2004|06:44pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

And then again...it happens again...am I a drug addict? What the fuck am I doing? I have friends who just had a baby, whom I haven't seen yet and I'm supposed to go see them in the hospital and I was busy doing something way less important and I want to kick my own ass...

sock it to me

Prolly not tho... [26 Feb 2004|05:56pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

hard core

You are one tuff cookie, you are often seen eating
at the most popular vegan resteraunts, and
frequent your local tattoo shop almost daily,
that or you work at one. Your star-shaped plugs
and your amazing moshing skills make you the
envy of every 9th grader with an eighteen
visions tee shirt this side of the country.

What is your anti-conformist personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 satisfaction| sock it to me

I would have to say this is a little depressing.... :( [25 Feb 2004|05:22pm]
[ mood | blank ]

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
You will die by:Your mother warned you not to run around with scissors in your hand. You die by some freak accident. Can't really say it was pretty, your Funeral is a closed casket.
Death Date:June 12, 2029
Number attending your funeral?4
How much will you leave to friends and family?$3,396,684
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!
sock it to me

Hmmmm.... [24 Feb 2004|04:27pm]
[ mood | curious ]

chef jpeg
You are the the Swedish Chef.
You are a talented individual, nobody understands
you. Perhaps it's because you talk funny.

"Brk! Brk! Brk!"
Kokin' der yummee-yummers

"Wild Strawberries...and Creme"

"Der Swedish Chef Kokin' Bokin'"

"Vergoofin der flicke stoobin mit der brk-brk

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

sock it to me

sigh [23 Feb 2004|10:50pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Hmmm. It's funny how a person's mind works when they're "under the influence" so to speak. More like fucked up. Some substances just have that draw, that push-me pull-me effect. No matter how much you say "I'm done with this shit", all of a sudden it's there, available and so you say to yourself "One last time. This will be our last hurrah!" And the cycle continues. I feel that way about alcohol too. Sometimes a little is not enough. Actually most of the time. So for real, it's over. Nuff bout that...

So Matt called me this morning when I was on my way home from taking Jason to work. Chelsea was in labor!! Well, sort of. She was having contractions but she was only dilated to 2. Anyway, I called tonight and apparently her contractions stopped. So I guess they are going to induce labor in the morning. I'm so excited for them. I'm going to be there hopefully when it happens...

You are an angel of love. You are someone who cant
help but look for someone to love. When you
find that person, everthing in the world is
perfect to you. you have no reason to worry
anymore once your soulmate has been given to
you. The other problem is that you are too
nice, and your heartbreaks tend to be a
horrible thing. Just wait a while for it...

What Different Kind of Angel are you...? ( Anime-ish pics )
brought to you by Quizilla
the Withered Lover
The Withered Lover

What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

sock it to me

[22 Feb 2004|07:39pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Well, last night wasn't what I expected exactly. Ended up doing some crazy shite again. Was not our intentions. Jason keeps saying it's his fault but it's not really. It's no one's fault and I wish he would stop that shit.
Anyway, we ended up not making love for hours as we intended. Although at one point, he took my panties off (I was wearing a skirt) and just started looking at my muff. I felt like I was on display. But I wasn't uncomfortable at all. If it were anyone else, I would have. I have never had this kind of relationship before. It's a whole new world. I'm lovin' it!!
So this morning, I made French toast. Yummm...I couldn't eat it though. After the night I had, I couldn't. Then I went to sleep for a few hours. Got up, did more nothing. And now I'm here. Just ready to curl up on the couch for a bit. Then go see my boy-ooops! He hates it when I say that! He's all "A boy?!" It's just funny. I like to fuck with him about that...Yeah but maybe tonight, if he's not too tired, we'll get our groove on. Much needed...

sock it to me

Saturday night, saturday night... [21 Feb 2004|07:54pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I just got the cutest platform mary-janes...burgundy with playboy bunnies on the side. I think I'm going to wear them tonight when I go see Jason. He likes them...a lot! So I'll dress up a little for him. Cuz we are going to have some fun. yeah yeah!!!

sock it to me

yep, in most instances... [20 Feb 2004|10:34pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

your bitch.

What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 satisfaction| sock it to me

[20 Feb 2004|07:56pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

As anyone can see, I'm fairly bored...just some quizzes...

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.

But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?

It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.

Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Best Matches Your Sex Style?

So, hmm, I'm in a pretty strange mood. These last few weeks, Jason and I have been getting into something that is overall bad. We've been getting high on something not so common as pot. And anyway, these people we get this stuff from continually call so it even when we tell ourselves that we won't do it anymore, the seed is planted making us think about doing it again. So we do. It's always "one more time". But last night/this morning was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had gotten something and then wanted more. So we got more. Yeah, the stuff was from someone else and ended up making Jason kind of sick. Anyway, it was the end. And it's totally fine with me.
For one thing, last night, since it was the end of "that time of the month" for me, we were, well, planning on "being" together. That morning he told me he wanted to make love to me all night long. So we hadn't planned on anything else. And then the phone calls came. So we never ended up doing it. And ever since we started doing this shite, we hardly have sex. I mean, shit, in the beginning of our relationship, it was all the time. Sometimes 3+ times a day. The last few weeks it's been maybe once or twice a week. Whatever, I'm not a sex crazed nympho or anything, I just know that the reason behind our lack of physical affection is due to a fucking drug. And that is not ok to me. Or him. So we've come to the agreement, that all that is behind us now...and I feel sooo much better. *{releases a huge sigh of relief})

Well, got's to go make something to eat for my mom now. More later...
sock it to me

[19 Feb 2004|06:24pm]

You're Adventures of Huckleberry Finn!

by Mark Twain

With an affinity for floating down the river, you see things in black
and white. The world is strange and new to you and the more you learn about it, the less
it makes sense. You probably speak with an accent and others have a hard time
understanding you and an even harder time taking you seriously. Nevertheless, your
adventurous spirit is admirable. You really like straw hats.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

sock it to me

shake it like a salt shaker... [19 Feb 2004|06:18pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

I had a really weird dream last night. It involved Jason's brother. In it, we were all living/staying in the same house/apt or something and his brother walks out of the bathroom naked. And then later on Jason was accusing me of sleeping with his brother. Which has actually happened in real life. The thing about Jason is when he's been drinking heavily (especially vodka) he starts thinking all these crazy ass thoughts and then starts accusing people of things he thinks is going on. Like this one time he and his bro had been drinking all day basically while I went to Matt and Chelsea's rehearsal dinner and so when I get there later on, Jason was drunk and then he thought his bro and I were looking at each other like we wanted to fuck each other. When really maybe his bro and I just have certain things in common and I think Jason felt threatened (eventually a fight ensued and his bro punched him in the face). And also apparently in high school his bro slept with his girlfriend and later on always tried to sleep with his girlfriends. I don't know. It's just weird. I hate it when he drinks vodka. Vodka makes people mean. It used to be my preferred drink but it made me mean. So I stopped. But then again any alcohol in excess makes people think and do crazy shit. Like this one night, Jason and I got a fifth of Jim Beam and started shooting it out of the bottle (I don't usually drink that way-he does) and I got drunk really fast. I hadn't eaten much either. And his neighbors were over. Anyway, this girl from next door knocks on the door and I've seen her before but then he followed her out the door and went in her room for a minute. I don't really remember much that happened after that but when he came in and sat down, I looked at him and then punched him in the face. In the face!! I guess I thought something was going on...? Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not a violent person. And BAM! Alcohol can do stupid shit like that. I've done better lately. Maybe a beer here, 2 there. Good for me!!

So today I slept in some (till 1:00). Jason says I better get rested for tonight. tee hee. But anyway, I cleaned bunny's cage and tore down old morning glory vines off our back fence and pulled up dead lily leaves. The lilies are coming up!! Yea! I love when spring is just around the corner. One of my favorite times of the year.

I gotta go figure out what to do for dinner now. TTFN!!

sock it to me

FYI [19 Feb 2004|04:52pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Craziness....I just happened to look up interests under "virgos" and one of the communities is called "September 15". My birthday. Hmmm.....it was the only one with an actual virgo birthdate. FYI...

sock it to me

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